community Privacy and safety

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Recording Policies
Safety and Respect Practices

Recording Policies

Fellowship Events:

Our Meeting strives to be a community where people are welcomed to bring their full, authentic selves. Some Friends may present themselves differently or share parts of themselves with our faith community which they do not share with their work, family, or social communities. To help maintain this space of open vulnerability, the taking of photographs or other recordings of images, audio or video are not allowed in our events (coffee hour, second hour, committee meetings, etc.) without the express consent of everyone present.


Worship Events:

Our worship services create sacred spaces. Our worship services include: Meeting for Worship, Meeting for Marriage, and Memorial Meetings.  They are where we gather to commune with the Divine. Everyone present during worship is called to listen with their whole heart to each other and to the small, still voice of Spirit within. The taking of photographs or other recordings of images, audio or video are not allowed during Worship without the approval of Meeting for Business.

Safety and Respect Practices

Northside’s aspirational vision, our Who We Are statement, is:

We welcome people from all cultural backgrounds and spiritual practices, families of all sorts, youths and elders, people of all races, identities, genders, and orientations. All may find refreshment at Northside Friends Meeting. We find our deepest commonality in working together through Quaker process. Our community is self-governed, making decisions collectively, guided by Spirit, with care and consideration for everyone. When struggling with doing the right thing, we may join in dialogue, seeking the Light within. It can be messy.

Quakers are directed to worship in community. The result? It can be messy, we are human and humans bump heads from time to time - Quakers are no exception. So, when bumped or feeling affronted, how can you successfully lift your concern so it is heard? And, how can you productively receive feedback about your unwanted behaviors? How can we continue to see the Light in one another?

Good news! Northside has practices to apply when life gets interpersonally messy and when Friends encounter conflicts that can impact the Spirit of our Meeting. Northside collectively commits to working with, and through, misunderstandings, insensitivities, and conflicts - specifically, any and all instances where there is a perceived lack of respect or a breach of personal boundaries, a microaggression, occurrences of harassment and safety concerns.

Seekers attend NFM for different reasons. Some come hoping for a caring community and fellowship, some simply for worship, some to learn about Quaker testimonies, and for many other reasons. Some choose to become deeply involved in the life of our Meeting, others not so much. Regardless, all attenders and members deserve safety and respect when they attend any and all Northside functions.

For many, when they gather in their spiritual home their hearts and minds are especially open. They may be more vulnerable than usual, may be more sensitive, less guarded then when engaging in the secular world.

Types of Concerns

There are differences between the following three categories. It’s important to know the distinctions. They are described in order of seriousness – all are cause for concern and may result in complicated feelings.

Click on the categories below to read more detail.

  • Friends are easily misperceived as homogeneous, more alike than different. This is because, for the most part, we share customs and beliefs: living our Testimonies, our worship and business practices, our attention to the Light.

    At Northside, paradoxically, most occurrences of perceived disrespect occur because of the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would wish to be treated. A phrase easy to say, potentially awkward in practice. Why? You like hugging. Another doesn’t. You like being photographed. Another doesn’t. You are soft-spoken. Another is loudly enthusiastic. Some of us are thick-skinned and some are thin-skinned.

    Realistically, we differ from one another in many ways. Friends are from diverse family backgrounds, cultures and ethnicities, economic and social classes, sexual and gender identities, mentally and physically differently abled.

    Even when we try to resonate to the divine Light in one another and try to be our best selves conflict happens. From time to time we may trespass on one another’s customs, comfort zones, and personal style preferences. As a result, slights may be perceived. We talk down to. We mis-gender. We say cutting things. We elder as if our ‘way’ was the right ‘way’. We act out our frustrations.

    Friend’s testimonies, along with our belief that there is that of God in everyone, encourage a heightened awareness of the need for care in our relationships with one another. Still, Quakers recognize that despite our testimonies and our highest aspirations, members and attenders of Friends meetings are not exempt from weaknesses. We are all capable of hurting each other, and we are all at risk of being hurt. Some hurtful incidents are easily rectified. Others are not.
    -Illinois Yearly Meeting Faith & Practice

  • Many of us are aware of our prejudices, our internalized ‘isms’, including racism, agism, sexism and homophobia. However, most of us have blind spots as well. With or without intention, perceived microaggressions may result.

    Microaggressions are more than just insults and insensitive comments. They are something very specific: the kinds of remarks, questions, or actions that are painful because they have to do with a person's identity as part of a group that's discriminated against and/or subject to stereotypes. And, a key part of what makes them so disconcerting is that they happen casually in everyday life, and often without any harm intended.

    It happens. Mis-gendered pronouns. Assumptive comments: “You don’t look/act Jewish.”, “Republicans are always so biased!”, commenting to a BIPOC Friend “I don’t see color when I look at you.”, telling a young Friend “You probably don’t know much about the Quaker way.” It happens in small and large ways.

  • When does a single ‘messy’ incident morph into harassment?

    Harassment is unwanted behavior... defined both by the feelings of the person who experiences it and by the intentions of the alleged perpetrator. What one person might consider an innocent comment of behavior could actually be experienced as harassment by another... particularly if the alleged perpetrator persists in the behavior after the implications have been brought to his or her attention.
    -Friends General Conference – Gathering Policy and Procedures on Harassment

    …abuse, exploitation, harassment, bullying, and other similar types of misconduct, whether physical, verbal, sexual or emotional are contrary to Friends’ testimonies and in some cases to the law.
    -Illinois Yearly Meeting Faith & Practice

    Concerns regarding safety and harassment deserve immediate attention! A hug that seems sexualized. A sense you are being stared at during Meeting for Worship in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Unwanted repeated communications in the guise of eldering. Unwanted gestures of friendship. A series of bullying and/or critical remarks. All may constitute harassment.

Taking Action

Lifting Concerns

In general, as a first step to resolving interpersonal issues, Quakers are enjoined to speak directly to one another when they have a concern, to speak plainly about the concern. Quakers often follow a three-step sequential practice for resolving conflicts, called ‘lifting concerns’:

  1. Lift the concern directly to the Friend with whom you have the concern.

  2. If this isn’t fruitful, ask another Friend to join the two of you to help ground the dialogue in Spirit and to ensure listening occurs.

  3. If this isn’t fruitful, lift your concern to the committee responsible for the pastoral care of our Meeting, Ministry of Mutual Care, or to our Meeting clerk(s).

While a useful practice, a solo approach may not be best, especially in cases of safety and harassment, or when personal communication styles are deeply incongruent. In instances of sexual harassment intervention of the law may be required.

Guidance for Specific Situations

As you imagine yourself in the following situations, take in to account your comfort-level and your skill set when you encounter and/or anticipate confrontations. There is never an expectation you must go it alone. Northside’s Ministry of Mutual Care Committee and Clerk(s) are ready to offer support and a way forward.

Notice, the following actions are circumstance specific, organized around different types of breaches to feelings of safety and respect.

Click on the questions below to read detailed guidance.

    1. Ask before acting: “Are you a hugger?”

    2. Notice and acknowledge reactions: “I think I see by your reaction that I may have been talking down to you”.

    3. Admit to a mistake: “Sorry for my unintended micro-aggression.”

    4. Apologize quickly: “I realize I may have seemed I was yelling at you. I know I raise my voice when I am passionate about something, sorry.”

  • If comfortable doing so, lift your concern to the offending Friend as soon as you have the words to do so.

    1. Provide specifics of what was said or done.

    2. Share your reaction to their behaviors.

    3. Explain how their actions made you feel.

    4. Tell the Friend what you’d like to have happen to make it right.

    However, if for any reason you prefer not to engage the Friend, and/or are not heard or satisfied, please reach out to any member on Ministry of Mutual Care – this committee’s charge is to offer tangible support!

    1. Your safety is critical! Don’t allow feelings to fester. Don’t allow the offences to continue.

    2. If you choose to follow the Quaker practice of lifting your concern directly to the Friend involved, begin by specifically naming the offending behaviors and telling them how the behaviors made you feel.

    3. If you prefer not to engage the Friend directly, this is understandable - reach out to any member of Ministry of Mutual Care or the Clerk(s) as soon as you are clear to do so – they will always offer support and take your concerns seriously. If appropriate, legal action will be sought.

    1. If you feel safe to do so, hold both parties in the Light while interceding gently, asking the offended Friend if they would like immediate support and/or support later on.

    2. If you witness instances of harassment or breaches of safety, it is important to bring your concern to any member of Ministry of Mutual Care or the Clerk(s) – they will always take your concern seriously.

    Here’s an example of how our community decreased a classic micro-aggression: we are in unity that any Northsider witnessing misgendering should call-out the instance in the moment. We agree it is the job of our community - not the job of the offended Friend - to call attention to the microaggression – so the disrespected Friend is supported and does not have to be responsible for the correction. And, we remain mindful that for some Friends this is not easy - due to years of habit, or learning challenges - so it is important to make the correction gently and respectfully.

    We can tenderly help one another grow. If you see someone about to take a photo remind them to ask. If you hear feedback given hurtfully, intercede. If a process seems not in right order, say so. If someone is gossiping, draw it to their attention. We hope to be advocates for one another.

  • Keep in mind, you have been offered a mirror, have had a light shone on what may be a blind spot. Perhaps keep-in-mind Edith Wharton’s truth, “There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that receives it.”

    1. When you are offered the gift of feedback be gracious. You can show respect by listening deeply, putting yourself in the other’s shoes and withholding any tendency to explain your action or become defensive.

    2. Acknowledge the hurt, intended or not.

    3. Offer reassurance it won’t happen in the future, if you can honestly do that. Otherwise, offer reassurance you will work on breaking that behavioral habit.

    4. Ask what you need to do to make it right.

    5. Once you are clear on what happened, and your responsibility in the interaction, you ask the Friend if it’s alright to explain yourself. Some Friends may not be ready to, or want to, hear your take on the incident. If that’s the case let it go – simply apologize.

    6. If you are troubled by the feedback, or uncertain what to do, seek support from any member of Ministry of Mutual Care.

  • Typically, to ensure biases are kept at bay, these Friends work in pairs as they offer support. The pastoral works of members of Ministry of Mutual Care and the Clerk(s) are always held in confidence.

    1. These Friends will: listen deeply, help identify and sort through issues, sit with you to discern a way forward, customize and arrange useful supports and interventions.

    2. Some interventions are: a facilitated restorative justice meeting, a support or clearness committee, set agreed-to behavioral parameters for both parties’ future interactions, pray, speak to the offending party.

    3. They will contact authorities if required by law.

    4. In addition, they will schedule check-ins to ensure the concern has been laid-to-rest.

  • If you have contacted both Ministry of Mutual Care and the Meeting Clerk(s) and feel your concern is unresolved you can reach out to the Clerk of Illinois Yearly Meeting’s Ministry and Advancement Committee. It is their job to listen deeply to you and help you discern a way forward; lifting it to the Committee if needed, and interceding on your behalf if useful. Northside’s Illinois Yearly Meeting representative can provide contact information.

You can find additional support resources on our Community Care page.